A New Plan

As with most things that involve my Loc, school isn’t any different when it comes to complexity, predictable unpredictability and consistent inconsistency. For what seems like years now, but has really only been 6 months, Loc has been on approved partial attendance 2 hours per day. He is a part of a “Multicatergorial Support” program which basically means that he is case managed through funded aid time. Without this one on one service available to us Loc would most likely not be enrolled in a school so THANKYOU to whoever developed the Multicategorial Support program. For those of you who are having difficulties with support at school for your diagnosed kids, I highly recommend you go ask about it. If they don’t use it, DEMAND that they implement it.

The principal of Loc’s school has been very patient and supportive from day 1 of kindy, but as time has gone by he has understandably become somewhat sceptical at Loc’s ability to gain control over his impulsive, disruptive and at times unsafe behaviours at school. So now that he is on a strict partial attendance arrangement, and he has full control of Loc’s comings and goings within his school, he is making things difficult when it comes to extending his attendance. The biggest issue Loc has ever had is the transition to and from the playground and as a result he has been removed from any playground time. So now that Loc has met all of the academic and behaviour goals set for him (go Loc!), as per our collective agreement, he is now ready to extend his days by another 2 hour session. The only problem with this is, that there is a half hour recess break in between them and there are no staff or resources available to provide him with the one on one support that he needs in the playground. So Mr Principal came up with a fabulous plan that mum can drop Loc to school at 9am, pick him up at 11am and take him home for recess, then return him at 1130 and finish at 1pm for the day. What Mr Principal failed to consider was that mum also has another son on partial attendance at the moment (Deklan) as well as working 6am – 430pm and at least 2 allied health appointments for at least one of the kids every week. He has also contradicted the whole point being made that Loc requires structure with minimal disruption and change so expecting him to leave school for half an hour, then return focused for another session was just insane. School is not on Loc’s priority list, especially when he has a fixed idea on something which at the moment is his laptop, so its hard enough getting him to focus on school now. Once he leaves those school grounds all he is thinking about is getting home to that laptop and what games he is playing so there is no way known that he would successfully return to school after a break. DEERRRRRRR!

From the moment his teacher leaked to me what Mr Principal was proposing it was also put to me that there was going to be no choice in the matter and that he was not going to budge. His way or the highway. I was determined to win this argument though because it was for the best interests of my son and I refuse to compromise all the work that we have done with Loc just to make it easier for Mr Principal to run his school. I had full support of his teacher, school counselor case manager and psychologist on this matter. EVERYone thought it was just a ridiculous plan and unreasonable to expect mum to do so much running around.

So the meeting was set and I was confident that this was one time that I was not going to back down. Loc has the right to his education and has exceeded all academic and behaviour expectations and deserved longer days. It was so nice to hear his teacher and case manager describing how positive Loc’s time at school has been and that they believed he deserved a chance at longer days. I was so proud. However Mr Principal was quiet disappointed at this news because now he HAD to find a way to make it happen. I made it clear right from the start that his plan was NOT going to happen for all the above reasons, and he will have to come up with a new plan.

Over the past 12 months or so, I have began to see Mr Principal in a different light. There has been a number of times where he has attempted to manipulate me and passively threaten my son’s right to an education with comments like “It’s getting close to the time when we will have to find him another school, and it’s going to be VERY hard to find somewhere that will accept him after being excluded from here”. In the context of these conversations it was “We do it my way, you owe US or I will exclude him”, and always when there was no one else around to hear it.  He has even tried to get money out me unreasonably, but that’s another story for another day. So I knew this meeting to discuss a plan to increase Loc’s days was going to require all of my missing assertiveness skills and stand over face. I knew Mr Principal did not particularly want Loc at his school as much as he makes out and I knew that I just wish I didn’t have to deal with any of this to start with, and that my kids just went to school and came home like normal kids.

I was very surprised that he accepted my reasons for not agreeing with the plan, but from that point forward, every chance he got, he tried to make me feel bad and manipulate me into changing my mind and just doing it his way. Under the multicategorial program, there is only a limited amount of time available to each child each day so there just wasnt enough available to support him in the academic environment (classroom), playground, and then back into the classroom. Even though Loc had met all the academic goals set for him, Mr Principal still wanted to focus on the academic side and not even consider any playground social stuff. So he thought that I would care when I was told that the only way we could go forward with extending his days, was to now use up some of the acedemic support time to provide him with social support and get him back into the playground for recess before moving onto the next classroom session. The only reason Loc had worked so hard to meet all of his goals in the classroom was because he wants to be able to play with his friends so badly, so you could imagine Loc’s reaction if I was to tell him “sorry Loc, you have to do more classroom stuff before they will let you back in the playground”. That would be like a kick in the teeth for him and he would just resist and give up. He would lose so much trust in everyone and I believe we would go backwards instead of forward. And because we had all agreed on this Mr Principal now had to try to find some way or something to use as a reason to keep Loc as only 2 hours a day or off the playground. And do you want to know what he brought up? OMG.

In the middle of a conversation, he excused himself and asked Mr Teacher about an incident 2 weeks ago when Loc was seen wearing denim shorts instead of the navy blue school shorts. Mr teacher did acknowledge that there was a day when he wore denim shorts, I was completely unaware as I was at work that day, and he was hell-bent on trying to pin point the exact day and thankfully Mrs Case Manager asked “So where are you going with this anyway? Why is it an issue at this time?” And do you want to know his response? He actually stooped so low to try to use it as the reason why Loc can’t do playground time and said “because it was part of the agreement that Loc abided school policies which includes the wearing of CORRECT school uniform”. OMFG. No one could believe what they had just heard and I just said “you know what, you either want him at school or you don’t. I didn’t know about it, it doesn’t usually happen what more do you want?”. I am so glad that I had back up that day.

I am happy to announce that I was able to walk out of the school grounds with my head held high with a big fat win on my shoulders. It has been agreed that Loc will go to school at 9am and at about 2o minutes left until recess, he will be taken out of the classroom and orientated into the playground with one on one intensive social support and his recess playground time slowly increased until he is  successfully transitioning. After this then he will move on to the next classroom session. I am so happy with this plan and Loc was so proud of himself when I told him. He is starting to believe in himself now and although there will be no guarantees, and I’m sure he will still have little incidents and maybe even the occasional blow up, I am confident that we are finally getting it right at school.

Related articles

• Why kids need recess and exercise (cnn.com)

Tags: Behavior

It Worked, But At What Cost?

The opportunity came today to put the “give him what he needs (wants)” behaviour management strategy into practise. The laptop is now  ”his”, the desk is built and his room is all set up so there shouldn’t be anything left that he could possible want right? Do you think? WRONG ANSWER!

All Loc’s focus has now shifted onto a GAME that he can PLAY on the LAPTOP that’s on his DESK that’s in his ROOM. An online game that to win and be the best at, you need to buy game “currency” with your own money to get things like better armour, weapons and superpowers. So when he came up to me with all smiles and cuddles and told me “I love you mumma” I knew there was an ulteria motive. And it went something like this.

“Mum, have you got $10 I could borrow to buy game money so I can get this armour that’s so cool and another person that has more lives and ” ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..” I stopped listening right at that moment and used the time that it took for him to finish telling me how much cool stuff he could get with this $10 worth of game money, and how he can’t possibly play the game anymore without it, to strategically choose my words and avoid the blowup I knew was going to occur if I didn’t consider it.

I gave him the opportunity to explain and then I tried to calmly remind him of all the other things he had just recently got. The minute I baulked at his request you could see his anxiety levels start to rise and his eyes began to change. I continued to reassure him that I wasnt saying no just yet and asked him to show me what it was all about.  So with the behaviour management strategy in mind and unsuccessful attempts at diversion, I agreed to let him have his $10 worth of game money on the condition that another game subscription that he currently has is cancelled. But, as with most things, it wasnt that easy.

With everything changed into AUD and my PayPal account signed into, it turns out that as a first time buyer of game money on this particular game, the $10 option that Loc wanted wasnt available to us. It’s all very scientific you see because depending on the payment option you choose, determines the AMOUNT of game money you get. The $10 option that Loc needed (wanted) = to a few thousand game $$$ and because we were not allowed to purchase that we were left with a problem. A $10 option which = 800 game $$, which according to Loc just wasnt enough to buy what he needed, or a $20 option which = enough game $$$. Are you keeping up with me??? I was now left with a dilemma as $20 was a lot more than I was prepared to spend on a game but I knew saying no was going to be disastrous to say the least. I spent a couple of minutes again reminding him of all the things he’d already gotten lately and tried to call his blough by saying $10 or nothing, but according to the professionals the whole idea was to PREVENT a blowup and predict the things that were going to set him off and judging by his body language I could tell this was one of them things.

So I credited his game with $20 and made it clear that his other game subscription would be cancelled immediately and off he went like an angel. He thanked me with hugs and kisses and told me I was the best mumma in the world and that was that.

I have to admit that it was just wonderful not entering into an argument and stressing about teaching him about the morals of not getting everything he wants all the time. There was no screaming and crying or crashing and bashing. There was no choking or self harming and I didn’t get attacked. I didn’t have to watch my baby struggle so badly with emotions that he just doesn’t know how to control, even if it did cost me $20, I think it was worth it.

I would imagine there would be readers thinking “what are you going to do when he is a teenager and threatens to stab you if you don’t give him a car?” and my answer to you is, I really don’t know. I want the answer to that question myself everyday and it’s just about the only question I have left for the professionals involved in our care. All I know is today, Friday 6th May 2011, I was able to keep everything and everyone calm and my son remained safe. Of course I’m sceptical about this strategy as I don’t want my son to grow up being selfish and demanding but apparently Autistic kids don’t see it as getting want they want, they see it as yucky feelings they don’t understand.

Are there any other parents out there that are faced with extreme meltdowns when their children are told no, or that they can’t have something? Do you punish the behaviour only to have it happen over and over again or do you have a different strategy that works? I am sooooooooo very open to suggestions and would love to hear from YOU!

Related Articles

Why Punishment is Discouraged

http://www.autism-help.org/behavior-punishment-autism.htm

Preventing Triggers

http://www.autism-help.org/behavior-avoiding-triggers.htm

Another Day, Another Meltdown

Today started out as usual with smiling faces excited to see mummy stumbling out of bed! I’m the first to admit that I’m not a morning person anymore since starting a new medication some months ago! Unfortunately it’s just not an option for me to stop them. Our case worker was making a home visit this morning so as all mums do, I ran around making the house look impressionable! I only get visitors on the messiest days or when I take a day off from housework! Don’t u hate that?

The visit went really well with a nice plan discussed and I was left feeling positive! Loc is fitting the description of childhood Bipolar which is HUGELY controversial in Oz but with a strong family history of it and his worsening behaviors I know in my heart that is what we r dealing with and I am going to do everything I can to get him started on a mood stabilizer! U will understand why this is a matter of urgency after u read on. Put simply…. It’s only a matter of time before we loose my precious man.

It’s unfortunate that I only have negative experiences to write about, especially concerning Loc but I feel so alone and isolated. It’s so hard to comprehend that my 9 year old son has the capacity to “want to die” so much so that he actively attempts it. And that’s what I was faced with today.

We are slowly learning that once you put an idea into Loc’s head, he will not feel good inside until that idea has become reality. Loc’s fixed interest at the moment is all things computer games. It serves as a therapeatic therapy and a source of focus for him. So challenging him with the use of the laptop was causing extreme rages and distressing times in our home. Our case worker has suggested that we use the model of management which comes across to the uninformed and ignorant that we provide him with things he “wants” to keep him happy but in actual fact, it’s providing him with things he “needs” in order to keep his feelings and emotions under control. Just until he learns better strategies.

So because we decided to allow him full access to the laptop as a behaviour management strategy, we decided to buy him a desk and set it all up in his room and give him his own little bubble away from all the irritants that come with computers and siblings. Stupid me mentioned this way to prematurally and my idea was to purchase the desk and have it done within the next week or so and Loc’s idea was today. So the desk became his fixed idea and he decided that it was even more important than going to school and suddenly began feeling unwell. I told him straight away that if he doesnt go to school today, which is only 2 hours anyway, then the desk would not be getting built. Big MISTAKE.

Loc immediately went into a rage. His eyes glazed over and sheer hatred stared back at me as he did his usual trashing and bashing. I left him to get it out of his system and suddenly he came storming towards me shouting “I’m going to kill you I’m going to kill you” and began attacking me with all arms and legs. To have to restle your son to ground and restrain him is just an experience I wouldnt wish upon anyone. He eventually went into a catatonic state as he often does after a rage and I went to call for SOS. While on the phone my daughter came running in screaming that Loc was chocking and sure enough, here he was with an extension cord pulled so tightly around his neck and before I could get it off he was unconcious. This is the time when you know it’s getting very serious and I just dont know what to do anymore. After a bit of BLS and TLC he recovered ok and has just remained flat for the rest of the day. He didnt get to school and he didnt get his desk built but was it really worth what happened?

So well will try this model of management for a while and see how it works out. I have to remember I have 4 others to consider and provide for and cant be just giving to one all the time. I have had to take the day off work tomorrow as I cant leave Loc unsupervised while he is obviously so unstable. This is having a HUGE effect on the family right now. One resource that I have be given and would like to share with you is:

http://autism-help.org/index.htm

So this was my day, today, 4th May 2011. I feel sad, scared but hopefull.

Our Easter

Here’s our Happy Easter for 2011. Lots of chocolate and surprisingly not so many hyper kids???? You will notice that Loc is missing from the pics and this is because he wasnt in a photo taking mood today. His words were “Don’t you think it looks better with me not in them” lol Of course it doesnt but there’s no convincing him of that.

This digital scrapbooking design made with Smilebox

I feel FREE (and happy easter)

So here I am, 2 days after my decision to allow Loc to stay with his father on a more permanent basis. To be honest with you I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s taken me years to finally accept that maybe it would be best for Loc to live with his dad and it feels GREAT. Even if he doesn’t go, I feel FREE from finally accepting it as an option.

I have also taken control and instead of letting his diagnosis be an acceptable excuse for his violence, Noel and I bought 2 x HUGE strippy storage bags and packed up ALL of his toys and games and left his bedroom bare. With the exception of his Lego as I am obligated to provide him with a means of focus for when his medication kicks in. He and his brother have just returned from a 2 night visit with their dad and Loc was less than impressed to find an empty bedroom. But an empty bedroom means less to smash and bash while he is in this current MANIC phase, and the best part, I feel EMPOWERED. I’m in control and if I have to take his bed out and leave him with a mattress on the floor, I will.

More exciting stuff is the awesome effort from Memphis who gave her bottle and dummies to the dummy fairy and went without them for a whole 24 hours. She was just amazing and we are so proud of her. Click below for a brief summary of weaning babes from dummies;

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Toddlers_and_dummies?open.

It was almost a sad moment for me and her daddy as it was another hint that Miss Moo is not a wee baby anymore and is quickly growing into a young lady. My house is almost a baby free zone and quickly approaching a teen hangout AARRHHGG!

And to finish off, Noel, I and the kids would like wish you all a very Happy and Safe Easter filled with loads of chocolate and bunnies.

Tags: Easter, Family, Parenting

Get Your Copy Here

Exciting News. Head on over to my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Livin-On-Autism-Street/215022978514236

and “Like” me. Once I have reached 100 likers I will have a copy of “Raising Boys” and “Raising Girls” to give to 2 lucky followers.

Thanks for your support guys.

Dannielle xox

 

 

Stressed mums: naughty kids (Science Alert)

Click below for some interesting reading.

Stressed mums: naughty kids (Science Alert).

A Decision

Today was a sad day for me. A decision that I hoped I would never have to make was made. Just the fact that I ever had to consider it in the first place was bad enough but today was the day.

The school holidays have been reasonably calm and enjoyable. Zac spent the first week with ”farm” nanny while Loc, Paige & Dek took turns attending holiday activities at our local basketball stadium. Both Loc and Deklan made me so proud with minimal behaviour issues. Unfortunately little Miss Moo had her first asthma attack in 18 months which ment I had to cancel all of my shifts at work and spend time in hospital. Poor little chicken struggles to recover from her asthma and I’m sure I’m very unpopular at work as a result, but family comes first right? Zac came home and Loc then went for his turn with “farm” nanny. Uneventful, calm and enjoyable to say the least.

But this was not to last. Loc came home and within minutes of him walking through the door his personality changed. He became dominating, nasty and just innapropriate towards everyone. I was lenient to the fact that he was adjusting to changing from being the only child to sharing a small space with 4 others but once he started dictating that everyone had to “seek his permission” to go into his room and touch his games and playstation even when he wasnt home, I thought it was reasonable to remind him that as the mother, I can give permission to whoever I want to, to do whatever I want them to, in my house. Of course I am also instilling the respect of privacy but my kids know that until they are 16, it’s open disclosure to MUM.

This triggered tremendous amounts of anger, hurt and anxiety for Loc. I had no idea that he felt that he had nothing that was “his”, and his only. That he felt like he had to share everything and couldn’t have his room to himself. And then he said something that explained so much about the root of  his anger and frustration.  I am long ago separated from Zac, Loc & Paige’s father and from day one of the separation (father) has been uncooperative, non interested, irrisponsible and emotionally abusive and this seems to have affected Loc the most. A small example of what I mean is he lives in walking distance of his children and will see them 1 or 2 nights a MONTH, if they’re lucky. And when I say nights, I say it literally as it’s usually from after school one day until he drops them back to school the next morning. His excuse is he cant afford to take time off work. Mind you he has remarried and is stepfather to her 3 kids aged from 11 to 16 but apparently you have to take time off work to have kids these days.

 Anyway Loc started raging and screaming things like “I dont even have my own bed at dads. All my toys and stuff goes to (the stepbrother) when I’m not there. I just want my own stuff. Dad doesnt even want me. He hates me and now you hate me. I cant even have my own stuff in my own room in my own house.” His connection to “stuff” clearly means alot to him but by this time it was just to late. The raging turned into violence and physical abuse, propery distruction and heartache as the decision was made that I just cant do this anymore. My other children are not safe and he is physically attacking me worse and worse every meltdown. He is only getting older and stronger and although his father is not able to effectively SHARE parenting responsibilites with me, I have decided that maybe it’s time he takes Loc on a more permenant basis.

It’s obvious from his outbursts that he is missing his dad terribly and (father) claims that he doesnt get the behaviour issues that I do when he does have him so maybe he would be happier with his dad. It saddens me more than you can imagine to even consider giving my child away, even if it’s to his father, but I just cant take this behaviour any longer. I have tried so many different strategies and have been open minded about diets, routines, discipline and 90% of the time it works. But once Loc looses control  the blinkers go on, and the only thing I can do is dodge the missiles, stop him self harming, wait till the rage stops and then clean up. He gets SO angry that he develops super strength. It’s just insane and I CANT DO IT ANYMORE.

I know there are plenty of you screaming at me ”just flog him,” “take everything off him,” “if he was my son he wouldnt be doing that,” “He’s only 9, your the mother so take control”, but I’m screaming back at you, IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE. I can guarentee you that unless he was the only child, had an irritant free environment, perfect climate and you gave him everything that he wanted, you would be in for a huge reality check. And I’m not just talking about a few days, a week or maybe even a month. If you took my Loc on over a 12 week period, at least, you would see.

I love Lachlan James with all my heart and soul and I am so sorry that what ever has gone wrong with him went wrong. I’m sure that I could do something different to make things better for him but I’m exhausted. I’m scared. I’m becoming unwell myself. Remember I have 3 other children diagnosed on the spectrum also. I also have a mental illness of my own to manage which I may share with you one day soon. Should’nt his father take some responsibility for him as well? According to the brilliant book “Raising Boys”, at Loc’s age he needs and seeks his father as a role model at his age. Noel is an amazing stepfather and loves Loc dearly but at the end of the day, Loc wants his dad. So today was the day that I decided to tell Loc’s father that I am no longer able to provide for Loc and he will need to take him. (sigh).

I have no idea what the outcome will be. I have no idea what the future holds.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I
can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to
peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have
it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His
Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy
with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Tags: Behaviour, Family, Serenity Prayer, Unpredictability

A Must Have Resource

Just by chance I have stumbled across a “free” download that is a must have for families with special needs. Parents who have children with special needs know first-hand the amount of paperwork that can be acquired in a short period of time. There are doctor reports. Years of assessment documentation. Contact numbers for specialists. The list goes on and on. It can be overwhelming to say the least.

One way to be more organized, and feel more in control, is to set up a care notebook for your child. The Care Notebook is a simple tool to help parents organize and keep track of information related to their child. The notebook can then be taken with you to to appointments and shared with health care professionals, or school personnel.

Click on the link and start creating your Care Notebook with me. I am very excited and look forward to hearing about how your notebook turns out.

http://cshcn.org/sites/default/files/webfm/file/Care_Notebook/CareNotebook-AllDocuments.pdf

Tags: Children with Special Needs, Medical Records, Organisation

A Not So Good Start To The School Holidays

Being a much needed employee over the past few weeks has prevented me from blogging as there just aren’t enough hours in a day. I found that I couldn’t even keep up with the copious amounts of homework that the kids were bringing home. So here we are at school holidays again.

Term 1 already done and dusted. Zac has gone to spend a week with his great grandmother which has left mummy and 4 kids at home for the holidays.

School holidays are always challenging for us as the routine changes and a lot of structure is lost. This was clearly exhibited today when unfortunately my Loc lost control and had a very serious melt down.

Today was very wet and cold so we spent the day at home playing the Wii, Playstation and computer. Watching movies and eating. There was a lot of “I’m Bored” and “There’s nothing to do” which then led into bickering and arguments between us. Taking turns and sharing is a concept that isn’t entertained and soon my patience ran thin and I found it difficult to keep up with the structural demands for piece and harmony. I could see that Loc was struggling with the noise and fact that he was being made to share turns on the computer (which he claims as his own) and so I offered to play a Wii game with him that he has been wanting to play for a very long time. It’s a game that you put the Wii controllers into a gun controller and use it to shoot at the screen and kill off all the zombie creatures that are coming after you. It’s a very arcadish shooting game and a lot of fun and one that I thought Loc would take too with excitement and thankfulness. Unfortunately NOT.

I’m not going to blame anyone or any particular thing for Loc’s melt down and he by far was not the only ”bad one” of the bunch. Deklan was stirring the pot at every given opportunity, Paige was moody and Memphis was being demanding. I guess the dynamics of the house just wasnt favourable today. Loc threw some insults out and developed a very selfish attitude, a very ungrateful and selfish attitude, and I sent him to his room for time out. It was all over me trying to limit the time he spent on the laptop and other computer games. Not long after the door slammed I knew that a volcano had erupted. The door slamming I could ignore but what followed could not be. What I’m about to describe is only half as distressing in words as it was to watch.

The walls were being kicked and punched. The bed was thrown across the room and upside down. Every toy box was upended and every toy smashed into pieces. Clothes were pulled from the cupboard. The lego was smashed. Loc was screaming so loud that his voice was breaking. What do I do? What can I do? I know that part of the meltdown is happening because he knows mum is a bit soft. If Noel was home, or if he was at his father’s house it definitely wouldn’t have gotten so severe. The other part of the meltdown is happening because of the chemical imbalance that he has. His eye’s changed shape and colour. His face changed shape. My sweet loving Loc is just gone. He shouts the most hurtful things at me like “I hate you”, “you treat me different to the other kids”, “I wish I had a different body with a good brain”, “you do nothing for me”, “all you do is treat me like a slave, you sit there and make us put rubbish in the bin”, “you’re a lazy mother and I hate you”, “JUST KILL ME I WANT TO DIE”. I mean, how am I suppose to react to that? My 9 year old son is so distressed that he is threatening his own life. He already thinks all these terrible things about me. Of course I didn’t want to think that what he was saying was ok so I then warned him that he would be grounded for some of the school holidays now for the disrespect which of course just made it worse.

I was stuck between “I can not let him get away with this”, and “he can’t help it, he has impaired control”. I was having a panic attach about how I was going to handle this situation when he is a teenager. There is absolutely no doubt in any of our minds that someone is going to get hurt. And then everything went quiet.

I knew immediately what was happening and raced into his room. I knew that he had found something to tie around his neck or cut his wrists with. I opened the door and here he was with a small plastic bag pulled over his head. I felt sick that my 9 year old son was doing these things. I felt like the biggest failure, something is seriously wrong when your child wants to take his life. To hate me so much broke my heart. I pulled the bag off his head telling him how stupid he was being and found that he also had a scarf pulled tightly around his neck. OMG does it get any worse? What the hell is this boy going to be able to do to himself when he gets stronger? That’s all I can think about because at the moment I can restrain him to a degree. I felt sick and had no one for support. All I could do is bring him to the lounge room and sit on him, and pin his wrists down and hope that he would exhaust himself. He scratched skin off my arms, bit me and spat at me. It wasnt safe to let him go and I just couldn’t take much more.

Thankfully the adrenaline expired and Loc became a floppy doll. The anger was gone. The yelling stopped. My baby was exhausted. I cried for him. I told him I loved him so much and that everything is ok. I hugged him for a good 20 minutes and just prayed that it never happens again. What else could I have done? I then have to reassure the other kids that they are ok and that their brother is not hurt. They are also very affected by these episodes.

I had to leave the house to recover from what I just experienced. Loc had settled down back to normal and Shirley was nice enough to babysit for me. (I will introduce you to the most wonderful mother in law in the world in another post) When I returned home, Loc and Paige had worked together and cleaned up his room. Loc apologised over and over again and accepted his punishment. The poor bugger is so frustrated and upset that he can’t control his emotions. All he wants is a different brain and he doesn’t accept that he will get better at controlling himself with time. He has so much remorse after the fact for a very very short time and then moves on like nothing has happened.

The rest of the afternoon went about like usual. For the kids anyway. I’m left thinking about what to do? Am I not providing enough emotional needs to my kids? Am I lazy?

Loc has, and has always had, an obsession with computer games. At the moment he loves the laptop and would play it 24/7 if we allowed it. Most of our problems come from trying to limit his access to it. You see, Loc is on a slow release and a quick release Ritalin which stops Loc from being energetic. Therefore he relaxes and has controlable amounts of energy as well as becoming very very focused. He then has to have something to focus on otherwise he cant function. Things like computer games are perfect and he is very good at them. It keeps him calm, gives him something to focus on and educates him at times as well. BUT, all the do gooders that claim to be perfect mums say that only bad parents let a computer babysit their kids blah blah blah so I get so much guilt from it. I don’t want to be a bad mum. Then when I think about it again, Loc participates in footy training 2 afternoons a week, plays every Saturday, goes to school everyday and spends about 30 mins a day out in the backyard so maybe it’s not such a big deal. Afterall I do have full control of what sites he goes to, his passwords, history, chatting, social networking and games.  I don’t know what other type of stimulating focused non energetic entertainment I can provide for him with 4 other kids also WANTING mummy! AAAHHHHHHHHH it’s just all to much.

And this is day ONE of the school holidays.

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